“No, I don’t think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly”

I’m strolling and I get a whiff of something. Not unusual in of itself, I consider, for I live in a shit hole. But no, this is not the mingled stench of bluster, tears and tarmac but a more questioning, allusive vapour. It pulls my gaze. I look about with forced nonchalance, hoping to catch its source…

 “When I saw her standing there”

I’ll drop the dense, 1st person style employed above, I think we’re all a bit bored already.

Flirting is what I’m thinking of here. Everyone does it.  But it doesn’t always seem to do the trick… I thought I was flirting today as I was walking home from work. Here is what happened, let me know if you can relate:


I see girl.

Girl see me.

I like girl.

I smile at girl.

Girl attracted to me?

Girl gone.

(it may be necessary when envisioning the scenario above to replace both gender and gender roles dependent on personal preference)

There are 3 ways of looking at this aren’t there?

  1. I’m another pervy guy staring lustily at women.
  2. It’s a mutual attraction.
  3. She’s indifferent.

Occasionally, when option 2 occurs, a conversation will spark up and, consequently, all kinds of idyllic things will happen- a collage made up of daisy chains, staycations, white dresses, crying babies, box sets and secretions. Or so I’ve read.

It seems to all start with a flirt though (I really should have said something to that girl).

The Plan

Now, call me an old romantic but-

To maximise my chances of finding a suitable partner with whom to secure the continuation of our race- I have categorized different forms of flirting, based on context, and anyone may choose which method suits them best.

I know- who said that romance is dead, eh?

Basically, here are the different types of flirting as I see them (let me know if I am missing any).

Street Flirting

Definition: My sad experience from earlier today, and any other day for that matter.

Pros: Easy and free.

Cons: Hard to follow up on.

Cyber Flirting

Definition: Dating sites and social networks.

Pros: Inhibition, choice.

Cons: Fake profiles and credit cards.

Institutional Flirting

Definition: The kind you do over a hot photocopier i.e. workplace.

Pros:  Prolonged exposure. Occasional bonus forbidden fruit stirrings.

Cons: Disciplinary hearings.

Indirect Flirting

            Definition: You meet someone through friends of friends.

            Pros: Less leg work.

            Cons: They already know your secrets.

Inappropriate Flirting

            Definition: Your best friends husband et al.

            Pros: Forbidden fruit stirrings.

            Cons: Sticky ending. Lol.

Organised Flirting

            Definition: Clubs, pubs, discothèques (what are they?) and the like.

            Pros: Everyone is there for the same reason.

            Cons: Everyone knows why you’re there.


I like the categories but I am sure I have missed a few. Could you let me know if any occur? Do you agree with my pros and cons? Do you care?

All will be answered in next week’s installment of-


DISCLAIMER: No questions will be answered at any point.

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