“We’ve run out of wine, what are you going to do about it?”

We’ve all been there haven’t we? The mind wanders. You become vaguely aware of a fluttering somewhere in your chest. You’re dissatisfied. Is that a clenching of the jaw? A knee bobbing of its own accord? This feeling demands attention… but what is it?

A craving.

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I am just another hopeless member of that sorry underclass: ‘The ADDICT.’ Each a slave to their chosen poison. Could be booze or crack or chocolate or coffee or porn or hugs from mother. But, like the vampire or monotheistic deity, we have the ability to change form to suit our audience. We range from the loveable to wretched. From the harmless human to the shit smeared pig rat, it doesn’t matter- your card is stamped mate.

Here’s a theory for ya:

We’re all on the spectrum baby. Like one big decadent melting pot (apologies to the abstaining chocoholics out there for the fondue imagery). Smile and talk big all you like but the reality is that you are more closely related to the hopeless junky than you let on- even if you’ve lucked out on a less noticeable lover (apologies to all the serial adulterers out there for oblique sex reference).

Still not convinced?

A recent pole threw together the top 10 modern addictions. Seems times are changing but our propensity towards vice is holding true. Surely you are guilty of being a bit too fond of one of the below?

The top 10 modern addictions in the survey are:

1. Coffee

2. Chocolate

3. Facebook

4. Beauty products

5. Checking bank statements

6. Junk food

7. Celebrity gossip and reality TV

8. Exercise

9. Retail therapy

10. The BlackBerry/ iPhone

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/4578542/Facebook-coffee-and-chocolate-most-common-British-addictions.html

 

I think the ‘Blackberry’ in at number 10 might bring some doubt to my claim that this survey was recent (ok fine- it was 2009) but the point still stands. I dare you to tell me with a straight faced emoticom that your lives aren’t guided by anything mentioned so far (o I forgot drugs, sex/ masturbation, lying, work, cleaning and TV).

SO WHAT’S THE RUB? (Apologies to any masturbation addicts)

A little self-indulgence makes the world go round. Let’s be easy on ourselves and each other. In other words: eat the fucking cake.

And if you really do think you’re that squeaky clean I have only one thing to say to you.

GET A LIFE

DISCLAIMER: Don’t smoke crack.

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