“No, I don’t think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly”

I’m strolling and I get a whiff of something. Not unusual in of itself, I consider, for I live in a shit hole. But no, this is not the mingled stench of bluster, tears and tarmac but a more questioning, allusive vapour. It pulls my gaze. I look about with forced nonchalance, hoping to catch its source…

 “When I saw her standing there”

I’ll drop the dense, 1st person style employed above, I think we’re all a bit bored already.

Flirting is what I’m thinking of here. Everyone does it.  But it doesn’t always seem to do the trick… I thought I was flirting today as I was walking home from work. Here is what happened, let me know if you can relate:

 

I see girl.

Girl see me.

I like girl.

I smile at girl.

Girl attracted to me?

Girl gone.

(it may be necessary when envisioning the scenario above to replace both gender and gender roles dependent on personal preference)

There are 3 ways of looking at this aren’t there?

  1. I’m another pervy guy staring lustily at women.
  2. It’s a mutual attraction.
  3. She’s indifferent.

Occasionally, when option 2 occurs, a conversation will spark up and, consequently, all kinds of idyllic things will happen- a collage made up of daisy chains, staycations, white dresses, crying babies, box sets and secretions. Or so I’ve read.

It seems to all start with a flirt though (I really should have said something to that girl).

The Plan

Now, call me an old romantic but-

To maximise my chances of finding a suitable partner with whom to secure the continuation of our race- I have categorized different forms of flirting, based on context, and anyone may choose which method suits them best.

I know- who said that romance is dead, eh?

Basically, here are the different types of flirting as I see them (let me know if I am missing any).

Street Flirting

Definition: My sad experience from earlier today, and any other day for that matter.

Pros: Easy and free.

Cons: Hard to follow up on.

Cyber Flirting

Definition: Dating sites and social networks.

Pros: Inhibition, choice.

Cons: Fake profiles and credit cards.

Institutional Flirting

Definition: The kind you do over a hot photocopier i.e. workplace.

Pros:  Prolonged exposure. Occasional bonus forbidden fruit stirrings.

Cons: Disciplinary hearings.

Indirect Flirting

            Definition: You meet someone through friends of friends.

            Pros: Less leg work.

            Cons: They already know your secrets.

Inappropriate Flirting

            Definition: Your best friends husband et al.

            Pros: Forbidden fruit stirrings.

            Cons: Sticky ending. Lol.

Organised Flirting

            Definition: Clubs, pubs, discothèques (what are they?) and the like.

            Pros: Everyone is there for the same reason.

            Cons: Everyone knows why you’re there.

 

I like the categories but I am sure I have missed a few. Could you let me know if any occur? Do you agree with my pros and cons? Do you care?

All will be answered in next week’s installment of-

THIS BLOG

DISCLAIMER: No questions will be answered at any point.

“You talkin to me?”

“I’m going to show my vulnerability to you Mirror…”

“Ma’am?”

“You know, it’s not entirely appropriate to do so, me being a queen n’all, but I must admit I feel a little insecure and I am craving reassurance…”

“I’m sorry to hear that, I’ll certainly do my best to please you.”

“Don’t dice your words Mirror, despite my insecurities I am very much opposed to word dicing in all its manifestations; needy? Perhaps… but advocator of word dicery? Not even for a second.”

“Understood ma’am.”

“Ok here it goes- am I the fairest in the land?”

FREEZE FRAME

‘Ugly fuckin’ beauty’ is an installation in a gallery in Dublin featuring top Irish models this December. I can’t claim to be an expert on art (although I secretly suspect I probably am or will be) but I expect the general point will be to, in some way, subvert publicly held perspectives of female beauty and inject some 3d emotion into an often 2d profession.

Anyway, the title is catchy and it sparked me a’thinkin about mirrors. (By the way- here is a link to the website http://www.mox.ie/ I enjoyed looking through it).

The focus in the story I allude to above is on the wrong character. Snow White is exceptionally boring, her absolute ‘fairness’ is sleepy in the extreme. But the queen?! What a dinner guest! Utterly riddled with all the neurosis that we (by which I mean I) lug around our necks all day like a weighty bag of offal fed slugs slurring insults up at your slack-jawed face. But she asks the wrong question and hilarity ensues. Well something ensues anyway, I forget what… it may have been anti-Semitism.

Walt Disney
Walt Disney

Here’s what she should have asked:

“Will I do?”

“Well, yeh you’ll do queen, it’s fine, don’t murder anyone”

FAIREST OF ‘EM ALL

Ah, a title we all covet. And I’m not about to suggest some trite notion that it’s what’s on the inside that counts- for all I know the meaning of life might lie in ridding yourself of that humpback. What I am saying is those of us who are fixated on ‘appearing’ in a certain way are chasing their metaphysical tails.

Unlike fairy tales, there are no absolutes in reality.

AN EXPERIMENT

Instead of asking the mirror- “Do I look good?” what about…

“Do I look bad?”

I’m going to try it. Maybe then I can finally get over my addiction to vanity and take off this cat suit. The codpiece chafes but my God I look amazing.

 

DISCLAIMER: Mirrors can’t talk.

 

“We’ve run out of wine, what are you going to do about it?”

We’ve all been there haven’t we? The mind wanders. You become vaguely aware of a fluttering somewhere in your chest. You’re dissatisfied. Is that a clenching of the jaw? A knee bobbing of its own accord? This feeling demands attention… but what is it?

A craving.

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I am just another hopeless member of that sorry underclass: ‘The ADDICT.’ Each a slave to their chosen poison. Could be booze or crack or chocolate or coffee or porn or hugs from mother. But, like the vampire or monotheistic deity, we have the ability to change form to suit our audience. We range from the loveable to wretched. From the harmless human to the shit smeared pig rat, it doesn’t matter- your card is stamped mate.

Here’s a theory for ya:

We’re all on the spectrum baby. Like one big decadent melting pot (apologies to the abstaining chocoholics out there for the fondue imagery). Smile and talk big all you like but the reality is that you are more closely related to the hopeless junky than you let on- even if you’ve lucked out on a less noticeable lover (apologies to all the serial adulterers out there for oblique sex reference).

Still not convinced?

A recent pole threw together the top 10 modern addictions. Seems times are changing but our propensity towards vice is holding true. Surely you are guilty of being a bit too fond of one of the below?

The top 10 modern addictions in the survey are:

1. Coffee

2. Chocolate

3. Facebook

4. Beauty products

5. Checking bank statements

6. Junk food

7. Celebrity gossip and reality TV

8. Exercise

9. Retail therapy

10. The BlackBerry/ iPhone

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/4578542/Facebook-coffee-and-chocolate-most-common-British-addictions.html

 

I think the ‘Blackberry’ in at number 10 might bring some doubt to my claim that this survey was recent (ok fine- it was 2009) but the point still stands. I dare you to tell me with a straight faced emoticom that your lives aren’t guided by anything mentioned so far (o I forgot drugs, sex/ masturbation, lying, work, cleaning and TV).

SO WHAT’S THE RUB? (Apologies to any masturbation addicts)

A little self-indulgence makes the world go round. Let’s be easy on ourselves and each other. In other words: eat the fucking cake.

And if you really do think you’re that squeaky clean I have only one thing to say to you.

GET A LIFE

DISCLAIMER: Don’t smoke crack.